Dating someone from a different culture or background can bring many wonderful new experiences but also requires compromise and understanding.
I have met so many strong, intelligent, charismatic, thoughtful, beautiful women in the 15 years I have lived in Colombia. The experiences and connections I have created with women in this country have been a big part of making my time here so special.
It isn’t necessarily an intentional policy but I have basically only dated Colombians for over a decade now. That said, as amazing as it can be, when you date someone from another culture and upbringing there will be challenges.
In this article, I will outline some of the nuances and differences I have found in relationships here in Colombia.
Every woman in this diverse, amazing country is unique and of course, these won’t apply to all situations but I hope they can give you a starting point to help bridge some key cultural divides when dating in Colombia.
You may have to dance with aunties, cook lunch with abuela and down shots with her dad
Family is hugely important in Colombia and in most instances you will quickly get to know your significant other’s extended family pretty quickly.
Young people in Colombia often live with their parents well into their mid-twenties. Aside from perhaps studying in another city, most people won’t be in a hurry to live away from family even if they have the means to do so.
Of course, everyone’s situation is different but most families are very close and spend a lot of time together. That can include day trips to the beach, a long weekend in a pueblo (small town), partying in a club, special events or enjoying a sancocho (traditional stew).
There is a good chance you will meet countless cousins, drink guarro with her brother, dance with her aunty, share a beer with her dad and help prepare lunch with her mum.
You may feel nervous by the prospect of meeting the inlaws but I have generally found while there may be some tension it is generally a very relaxed, welcoming experience.
It is possible you will find yourself encouraged by aunty to grind with your novia (girlfriend) to reggaeton at the house party after drinking a bottle of tequila with her dad as her grandma smiles on encouragingly. Dancing is dancing. Crazy tia wants a dance next.
Most people are strongly religious or at least their parents are
Around 90% of Colombia’s population self-identify as Christians with 70.9% catholic and 16.7% protestant. The separation of church and state was established in constitutional change in 1991 bringing an end to the Roman Catholic Church as the official state religion.
Up until this point, there was very little religious diversity taught in schools or society. Churches continue to be very popular and important parts of the community. People are expected to be Christian and in Colombia that is almost certainly what you are unless you actively decide otherwise.
While many many people are deeply religious, there is also a growing secularism amongst younger people in the larger cities, particularly Bogota and Medellin. There is a notable shift in attitudes in the generation who grew up with an educational curriculum defined by the church and those more recently who have seen a less prescribed view on the world. That can be religious or it can be a more nuanced view of morality, good and bad, right and wrong.
Expect your partner to probably be Christian and for this to be a significant part of their life. They may be atheists but their mum is almost certainly going to be much more religious. If you don’t believe in God or believe in another religion, it may be useful to have some consolitary platitudes ready to ease the tension.
You should expect to be expected to pay on dates
As outlined above, there are a lot of women who are proudly independent, can look after themselves and have their shit together. To be honest, sometimes it feels like the women in this country are the grown-ups who hold the lives of those around them together while the men in their lives are slow to grow up.
That said, expect to pay on dates. Some women will try to insist on splitting it and I have been on some dates where women want to pay for parts to assert their independence and make it clear that they aren’t here for that reason. However, expect to pay on dates.
Colombia is quite traditional in this sense. To invite someone out implies that you are paying unless you have a very clearly established friend situation. Women won’t usually ask men out, so if you propose it then you are expected to make it happen.
Offering to send an Uber to pick someone up to meet at the restaurant sends a great first impression and is usually pretty cheap. Be prepared to pay for the food and drinks.
If a group of men go to a club with a group of women then the men will usually pay. There can be no romantic situation between any of those at the table but that is traditionally how it will work. At the end of the night when the bill comes the men will often divide it between them and pay without asking the women.
Of course, there are always exceptions and social background can have a big difference. If the girl you are meeting is a student, for example, then she won’t be able to go to a fancy place unless you are “inviting” her. If she is rich then she will expect to go somewhere nice and will be accustomed to wealthy friends and families paying for her.
Some women couldn’t possibly let you pay for them and some men will welcome as refreshingly modern or could be offended as a mortal slight on their fragile masculinity. Regardless, expect to pay on dates.
There is a good chance she will be late and if it rains she may cancel
I don’t mean to perpetuate a negative stereotype about Colombians and a lack of punctuality but I have been here 15 years and I would say 80%+ of dates, appointments, football matches, meetings, classes and events have started late.
Over the years I have gradually been able to purge that part of my brain that is inwardly infuriated by the disrespect of not even apologizing for turning up late and have learned to be zen about the whole thing.
I have reached the point of acceptance where for football matches I can arrive 15 minutes later than the agreed meeting time knowing I will still be the first person there.
Again, to be clear there are many Colombians who will make the effort to always arrive on time but there are also many who will leave the house the time at which they are supposed to arrive.
Be patient, try not to get offended, learn to embrace the loose, spontaneity of life in this country.
Also, if it rains here then it really rains and that can cancel many plans. People aren’t keen on wading through knee-high puddles and braving an ice-cold monsoon downpour. This may spark a text suggesting a new day, depending on the date.
Make an effort to look and smell good because she definitely will
Colombian women generally take a lot of care with their appearance. This doesn’t usually mean a huge amount of makeup but there is an expectation that people should make an effort, particularly if it is a date somewhere nice.
Of course, everyone has their own style and the way making an effort manifests will depend on many factors but personal hygiene and an appropriate choice of clothes depending on the situation will be appreciated and expected.
Some foreigners think shorts, sandals, vests, unkempt beards and almost clean hostel clothes are appropriate style choices in Medellin. In certain circumstances, you may be able to get away with it but most people will think you look like you are homeless. Downtown Medellin has a street called La Playa but, perhaps aside from a lazy bank holiday Monday, there is rarely call for beach attire.
If you go to a bar or a club you should always wear smart jeans or long pants. There may be exceptions such as pool-themed brunches but if you are a man wearing shorts at a club then most people will think you are a smelly backpacker or an awkward sex tourist.
The situation in terms of attire can be very different in coastal cities or smaller towns. In Cartagena, you can wear very smart light-colored shorts with some nice shoes and still give an appropriate look. If you are in a small town in a hot part of the country then rules go out of the window.
Most clubs don’t really have dress codes, a nice t-shirt is usually fine but if you are on a date then I would suggest wearing a shirt if it is a decent place. You can’t really lose points for trying to present the best version of yourself on a date.
Generally, here most women won’t really care about designer brands but they will care about you smelling fresh, making an effort and taking care of yourself. Colombian men will try to look good so don’t think by dressing like you just woke up you will portray some sort of charming, alluring, exotic bohemian chic.
Relationships in Colombia are full of romantic expressions
I am English so the whole “my love” (mi amor), “my heaven” (mi cielo), “my life” (mi vida) type romantic Colombian expressions are lovely but also sit a little uncomfortably with my repressed British upbringing.
Spanish is a much more direct language and people express what they feel or intend, at times to almost hyperbolic levels. For some women, as soon as there is a growing bond or romantic connection, you might find yourself jumping straight to the “te amo” stage. In Spanish, there is “te quiero” and “te amo” with the latter being a more intense version.
Sometimes relationships in Colombia are incredibly intense extremely quickly but then also burn themselves out within weeks. People in this country are often very passionate and very optimistic, which can mean there isn’t always much reflection or considered assessment of viability or compatibility.
I tend to encourage taking things slower to get to know each other but if you are feeling brave feel free to throw yourself in.
Also, a quick reminder that “amor” doesn’t always mean anything. Love in English is a huge word with intense and varied meanings but it can also be used in fish and chip shops when handing over change to a stranger – “ta love!”. “Mi amor” (my love) can be used this way too depending on the context.
Jealousy, infidelity and what is and isn’t OK
I have personally been quite fortunate to not really have experienced the sort of intense jealousy and controlling paranoia that is stereotypical of Colombians. I think that assessment is quite seriously overblown for comedic effect in the media but there are still many women here who will describe themselves as “muy celosa”.
As mentioned above, relationships here are often very intense very quickly and that doesn’t always lay the most solid, sustainable foundations. If you are in a relationship filled with intense declarations of love within a few days of meeting then emotions are going to be running high.
If you can fall for someone that quick, then you can easily fall for someone else or things could become overwhelming.
Without wanting to over-analyze the situation, most women I speak to have been cheated on and many have cheated themselves. I personally don’t have many friends I can think of who haven’t at some point had more than one girlfriend or boyfriend.
Another thing to consider is what constitutes infidelity and what is crossing a line. Every relationship will be different and have different boundaries but cultural differences can make this slightly uneasy.
For example, when is dancing inappropriate? Reggaeton involves a lot of close, intimate, sensual contact but as a general rule in Colombia, dancing is just dancing. So, is salsa OK and reggaeton a gray area? What about merengue? Bachata is more romantic, is that one alright?
In England, if you look someone in the eyes while dancing fairly closely then there is the immediate potential for imminent intimacy. Here you could dance closely with 10 different people in an hour and it may not mean anything of significance.
Working out boundaries can be a challenge and if you throw in a fair amount of jealousy combined with different social and cultural experiences then it can be tricky.
‘Interesadas’, the search for financial stability and independent women
This is an area I want to try to discuss carefully and allow you to reach your own conclusion.
Some men will come to major cities like Medellin and leave with the view that women just want their money. ‘Interesada’ is a term in Colombia used to negatively describe someone as a gold digger. Colombia is a hugely unequal society and some will see a relationship as a way to secure a better quality of life and new opportunities.
At one extreme this can be simply prostitution with an agreed price in exchange for sexual services. Beyond that, it can be a relationship in which the woman is with the man primarily for money and the lifestyle he can provide for her. For me, this can feel uncomfortable, vulgar and grimly transactional but some people can find happiness with this life.
Women looking for this situation are often very upfront in advance and you will know quite quickly what their motivations are.
Success and the financial security that comes with that will almost always be an attractive and positive characteristic when women are looking for a partner. So, even when the relationship is built on a more substantial founding this may be a factor in favor or against.
Everyone will have different priorities in a relationship and, of course, sometimes a woman may be planning on finding a successful husband but fall for someone who doesn’t meet their ideal type. There are also many many women who are successful, independent and can look after themselves.
I think this is an important point to mention and something to consider. If you only go to Poblado, to bars filled with foreigners and speak a limited amount of Spanish, then don’t be surprised if you meet women looking for men like you and not necessarily for your personality.
Most Colombian women are independently minded and will see the success of their partner as an attractive factor but not the principal reason for their interest.
Colombian women really hold everything together and can make shit happen
I love Colombian people and I have a lot of respect for them. A lot of the guys I know here are great and work hard, provide for their families and are pushing forward. That said, it is often the women in their lives that are holding everything together while still achieving on their own.
In my personal experience, women here in Colombia often show greater maturity and show great strength in shouldering more of the responsibility.
I have just met so many amazing women who achieve great things in their own right while supporting their parents, building a family, raising children and taking care of all of those around them. Without going too deeply into personal stories, I just feel there are some true verdaderas berracas in this country.
If you are fortunate enough to have one of those in your life then you can consider yourself blessed.